So here we are…the longest night of the year, along with the shortest day.
Oh, and it’s also the end of the world…maybe.
A lot of stuff going on.
Hard to keep pace.
Not to mention it’s prep day for our annual Christmas party, which is tomorrow…you know, apocalypse pending.
I’m not sure what’s worse… apocalypse pending or prep day for our annual Christmas party.
At least with the apocalypse there’s always a chance of meeting new people, building new societies.
With party prep day the only person I meet is the beer and ice guy downtown…and I’ve heard all his stories…twice.
The only building going on is the tower of cheese I construct out of Velveeta slices…individually wrapped.
The good thing about this year’s party though is it’s not officially falling on the solstice, so I was able to get the Druids, half price.
Don’t get me wrong, they’re still expensive, even with the run on Mayans this year, which cut into their business.
But I’m talking the good Druids, not the suspect Druids, with the dull blades.
Only problem is they’re usually a little washed out and hung over from the events of the previous night’s bacchanaling.
But I figure I can live with that; I mean they’re really only here for color…and the tower of cheese.
Druids love Velveeta.
Speaking of Druids, Z has me cleaning the bathroom for the party.
I know…I mean it’s a bathroom.
How clean does it have to be?
But I do it…every year…just to make Z happy.
Plus Z’s scary if you cross her on party prep day.
Even the Druids get a little wary around her.
Especially if the crust on the practice baked brie gets a little over done.
One time the Druids were dropping off their human degradation and Karaoke machine and they put it in the corner right by the tree.Mostly because they asked me where I’d like it, and that’s what I told them.
Well, Z walks in the room—and, you can smell the singed pie crust coming from the kitchen—and she’s not in there for two seconds when she starts screaming, “What kind of Druids sets up a human degradation and Karaoke machine by a Christmas tree!”
Well, the Druid looks at me for help so I immediately do what you’d expect me to do…I go down in the basement and bring up the extra chairs.
I’m betting you’ve never seen a Druid cower before…me neither.
Anyway, once Z showed the Druid the error of his ways and got him set up in the proper human degradation and Karaoke environment—the sun room, by the La z Boy—I started opening the folding chairs.
The folding chairs are also Z’s idea since she kind of frowned on the portable bleachers I borrowed from the High School a few years back.
I’m not sure what the problem was with the bleachers, only that Z said they were tacky.
So I hosed them down, and that was wrong too.
Ultimately, I had to drag the couches back in off the lawn and replace the carpet, but I figured it was easier than arguing about it.
In the meantime, the Druid snuck out the back door...but what else would you expect from a Druid?
Then my neighbor, Art, from around the corner, who claims to be one sixteenth Mayan, drops by to remind us—again—that “The end is nigh” and tries to get us to put a deposit down on one of the last remaining spots—according to him—in his fortified underground bunker.
Fortified underground bunker, my eye. It’s really just his re-modeled basement entertainment center, but he claims to have DVR-d the entire 3 seasons of the TV show “Ed” to help pass the time.
Needless to say, Art is not invited to the party.
In any case, I better get back to party prep…you know, just in case the end is not indeed nigh at all.
The good news is, Armageddon aside, the sun should start traveling higher across the sky again, little by little each day.
So let the merrymaking begin!
Unless Art is right.
But at least we have the Druid’s human degradation and Karaoke machine to pass the time.
And don’t forget the tower of cheese.
Is red still appropriate for the end of the world?
Apocalypse…so awkward.
Archive of Holiday Retorts Past
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